Wow – it’s been almost a year since I’ve written on my own website. I’m honestly not even sure how to begin writing this. The past few months have been some of the most heartbreaking across the globe that I’ve seen in my lifetime. When friends and family have reached out, it’s been easy to say “I’m doing ok, the streets are a little quieter, but I’m doing ok!!”. I know part of me firmly believes it and wants to completely be just that – “ok”.
But honestly, I’ve felt such a large wave of consistently changing emotions since March. At first it was positivity and hopefulness, trying to keep the front-line in my thoughts, hoping that the world would get better soon. Though I admit, that quickly faded into confusion lined with fear. Will life get back to normal ever? Will New York power through this? Will people stop dying?
7AM walks were my source of normalcy in the beginning, but as the days went on and our surroundings kept acclimating, I realized – this was it. This is the new normal. Grocery stores lined with plastic barriers, masks 24/7, 6 feet apart lounging circles, Brooklyn streets filled with used gloves and face mask trash, people openly screaming at you if you’re not wearing your mask, etc.
Now, I just feel guilt. Guilty for feeling anything honestly. Reminding myself people have it worse elsewhere truly backlashed on me. It made me invalidate my own feelings, it made my mind and my heart unstable. The biggest thing I’ve taken from this, is that you have to 1. follow the rules, and 2. let yourself go through it and process it all on your own terms. Unfortunately, there are people truly struggling right now, but you can keep them in your thoughts while also working on yourself. It’s a balancing act that I’m still working on, and that’s ok.
Hopefully it doesn’t take me another year to write again lol. I hope you & your loved ones are staying safe and healthy. <3