As I’ve said many times before *cue sappy letter to 2019*, 2018 was truly the most challenging year of my life. I’m still navigating the comeback, trying hard everyday to remember the power in resiliency, trusting myself and every spontaneous and hasty move I make. As the months go on I become more and more clear minded allowing me to look back, reflect and continue to learn from the sh*t show that was 2018.

For starters, my life wasn’t mine anymore. I allowed so many people to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do, from dating, to my career, to everyday activities. I became a shell of a person and let others dictate how much I was or ultimately wasn’t worth. I didn’t even know how to look to myself for love or help because I truly felt like I wasn’t capable of either. There were small moments that felt like mine, and I tried to curate those as much as I could with the energy I wasn’t spending on trying to pursue a semi normal day-to-day life with a serious depression. I had pushed childhood abuse to the depths of my mind for years and wrote it off as “I’ve moved on”. Welp, boy was I wrong – the PTSD like emotions surfaced for me again last year and I quickly learned the only way to let healing in is to face the trauma. Head on.

Navigating the comeback has felt like a breakup.

*Well at least what I think a breakup would feel like, haven’t rly been through one yet lol*

I was in this toxic relationship with the world around me and how I viewed and treated myself by not facing things. I was living in an unhealthy routine and I knew it, but was completely unaware of the extent of how bad it all really was. I ignored the red flags, the anxiety attacks, the hours of crying and calling my best friends saying I’m giving up on it all. I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was causing any of it. I just knew it had been a domino effect and it was all connected. If I was going to get the change and results I wanted, and quite frankly needed, I had to take the leap. I gave myself an ultimatum and literally wrote out how my options would look. And then I sat on it. For a while – didn’t act on it and kept pushing it off, until I hit my 19,248,392nd wall of the year.

So, I did it.

Even though irresponsible Killian had little to no savings and nothing else lined up living or working wise, I quit the job and I moved out of my apartment. I took control of my life again and made a promise to myself that it would be on my own terms everyday until the end. I cried the whole time lol. But I did it. And it was f*cking terrifying.

Since then, I’ve been on this 5 month journey of finding myself again, my passion, what my dream career could look/feel like and most importantly, my voice. I leaned on my two best friends when I was literally couch surfing for two months trying to stay in LA (yup, that was a thing). I cried with them, listened to them, struggled with them and then traveled to Bali with them. *booked the trip before shit hit the fan** Where I think we all found pieces of ourselves we didn’t realize were missing, but in the moment we really needed. I got back to LA in February and was still struggling emotionally, for lots of reasons (anotha day, anotha blog) and I decided to do what I do best – book a trip. Well, a trip to NY turned into permanent residency.

As glamorous as it may look from the outside, the comeback rarely is. It’s gritty, it’s humbling, it’s highs and lows – but it’s progress. I’ll take it.

This wasn’t written with the hopes of giving you an easy “how-to” or “step-by-step” list of bouncing back. But it was written to show that a comeback isn’t always steady. I mean, for my first 2 months of 2019 I didn’t have a place I called home, but I did have two bffs that shared theirs with me. I leaned more on my family in NY than I ever thought I would and am so grateful for their support throughout it all. But of course – when it’s just getting good… In my 3rd/4th month I got abruptly kicked out of the sublet I was staying in NY because it wasn’t exactly supposed to be a sublet *yikes*. I had hours to pack up and go, I was living in a hotel room for a few days and then with another family member. Granted, my Aunt and I had both been kicked out, so while this was a low – we had each other through it. Now month 5 is here and I’ve been living in my tiny room in an apartment in Brooklyn, filled with the most interesting individuals that I’ve absolutely loved getting to know. It’s not easy, it’s still a roller coaster of events and emotions, but what truly differentiates it for me, is tackling it all with as much of a positive outlook as I can have. While remembering, that this is my comeback because I’m choosing me and building a life and career that I’m proud of.

So choose you! Be selfless, but know that to give to others, we need to nourish ourselves too. Take value in your energy and most importantly watch how much you can positively impact people by being your best self. Always be grateful for the setbacks, they’re our true catalysts for growth.